Working with "toxic coworkers" may seem like a cliché. But there's a huge difference between working with colleagues you simply don't get along with and people whose presence makes you genuinely miserable. Toxic coworkers can drain your energy by spewing negativity or manipulating situations to assert their dominance over you.
Are you caught up in a situation where your coworker is slyly undermining you in front of your boss? Or maybe they outright set you up for sabotage by withholding the information you need to do your job. Perhaps they even talk about you behind your back, or spread rumors about you after you've trusted them with personal stuff. (Next time, spare details about your noods.)
Worse still, they might gaslight you into thinking you're not good at your job, even when your other coworkers assure you that you're on your shit. (If you weren't good at your job, would you be where you're at now?)
So how do you go about establishing boundaries when you have to deal with office bullying, or feel like you're in a scene of Mean Girls 2? To find out, we spoke with Sara Stanizai, founder of Prospect Therapy and a licensed marriage and family therapist in Long Beach, Calif.
Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself
Stanizai suggests limiting early on how much personal information you disclose to colleagues. It doesn't necessarily mean limiting what you share; it means proactively thinking about how you want to present yourself to others.
Give it some thought ahead of time and ask yourself, "How much do I want my coworkers to know about me?" Stanizai suggests. That way, you'll protect yourself from potential rumors and preconceived notions about your capabilities.
Diffusing Gaslighters
"Gaslighting is someone purposely manipulating your perception of things," Stanizai said. "99% of the time it's done purposely, but I guess it could be done unconsciously... If you suspect that that's what's happening, the number one way to undo that is to get a neutral third party involved." (Read on for how to do that.)
Be On Watch
"If you find yourself changing the way you are, if you're more of an extroverted person, and you find yourself withdrawing... that might signal to you that your boundary has been breached," Stanizai said. Think about how a particular relationship with a coworker or colleague might be impacting your mood and personality. If you're pretty introverted, but find yourself venting to more and more people and that's out of character, it's a sign your boundaries were breached in a big way.
Walking the (Boundaries) Line
How do you call someone out if they've crossed your boundaries, or undermined you? Do it away from the heat of the moment, during a low-key time at work. Stanizai advises trying a line like, "Hey, I'm noticing that we both have super different perceptions of how this is going. Can we talk about it?" If you don't have a mature enough coworker to handle that, see below.
The Power of Three
Asking someone like HR, or a supervisor, to step in on a personal situation can seem nerve-wracking. But a third party is often a good way to get an objective view on the sitch, and it can help establish accountability for everyone involved. This is key, especially if you don't have a written account of what's going on.
To loop in someone without putting up your coworker's guard, Stanizai advises the opener: "I'd like to get someone else involved. Who do you think it should be?" Consider asking a manager who doesn't supervise either of you. The goal is to involve someone else so you can hash out how to improve your working relationship.
Simmer Down
It can be scary-hard to approach a difficult coworker. Don't beat yourself up if it takes some time to find the right way to communicate, or to resolve the situation. Just don't let that toxic garbage simmer until you're totally miserable.
You can't control a toxic coworker, but you can control how much power they have over you. Get the Girlboss Daily for more on setting boundaries and protecting your peace at work.
