I met my soulmate at work. Not once, not twice, but three times. I’m not talking about romantic soulmates, but friend soulmates: the kind of women I’ve always wanted in my corner. The ones who would hype me up before I asked my boss for a raise, and also pick up when I was crying in the middle of the night over a stupid boy.
I used to fantasize about the kind of friendship you see in TV dramas about women working together at a fashion magazine. As a young journalist in my early 20s, I couldn’t get enough of that trope. Then I got a real office job and found out how it actually works.
My first work-friend-turned-real-friend was someone I met at my first big-girl magazine job. We were both single at the same time, and we spent our weeknights hopping from PR event to PR event, swiping on dating apps and ending up at dimly lit bars. I thought our friendship was infinite. Then she switched jobs, the pandemic hit, and the time between text messages went from days to weeks to months.
The other two are my success stories. I still work with one of them. The other and I don’t, but it feels like nothing has changed. Our friendship has only gotten stronger since we left the magazine. We talk about watching each other walk down the aisle and meeting each other’s babies, and I know in my heart that we’re in it for the long haul.
So if you’re wondering how to make friends at work, I get it. The good friendships do exist, and they don’t happen by accident. I talked to Dr. Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist and friendship expert, and combined her advice with what I’ve learned the hard way.
Why work friends are worth the effort
With the people you meet at work, it’s not just about proximity or convenience. You already share an industry, and you can bond over workplace politics like no other friend in your life can. A chat message during a team meeting turns into a gossip-filled lunch, which turns into sending each other memes, which turns into a karaoke birthday party (true story). And well, the rest is history.
Friendship shapes all areas of our lives, but especially our work lives, according to Dr. Kirmayer. “Making the effort to make friends and develop those friendships absolutely benefits our wellbeing, success and our professional growth.” Having people you trust at work helps you feel more connected to the team and like you belong there.
“This isn't just something that feels good,” she says. “This is something that has very tangible, practical and financial considerations.”
A common misconception is that you should keep your personal and professional lives separate. You already have friends outside work, so why complicate things? “A true friend at work actually gets us something different than our outside friendships do,” Dr. Kirmayer says. “But it’s also okay to have different expectations and boundaries for a workplace friend. It doesn’t have to be as intensely close or vulnerable or disclosing. There's so much nuance in terms of what type of a friend and the levels of closeness.”
Not every friend needs to be your ride-or-die. A low-stakes “yoga and brunch once every few months” friend is also wonderful in its own way.
How to make friends at work in 6 steps
Slow and steady wins the friendship race. “When we go slow, we can get a sense of how the other person is showing up in this relationship,” says Dr. Kirmayer. Here’s a simple order of operations.
- Be friendly in small, repeatable ways. Say good morning, ask how the weekend was, remember the answer. Friendships start with familiarity, and familiarity is built from lots of tiny moments.
- Connect and collaborate at work. Ask someone for feedback on your upcoming presentation, or plan a brainstorm together. Leaning on someone for help is a great way to plant the seeds of a friendship.
- Change up the conversation. If you’ve only ever talked about the stressful project you share, ask about their life outside work. What brings them joy? Do they have any travel plans? What do they do on weekends?
- Step into a new environment. It’s hard to make the friendship switch when you’re both sitting in a stuffy, fluorescent-lit office. Ask them to grab lunch at that cute place down the street, or take a walk around the block.
- Share a little of yourself. Open up about who you are and how you see things. It signals that you’re open to going deeper. Feeling safe and trusting is at the core of every friendship, and that goes beyond talking about your weekends.
- Make the invitation specific. “We should hang out sometime” rarely turns into a plan. “Want to get dinner on Thursday?” does.
Conversation starters that don’t feel forced
- “What are you working on that you’re actually excited about?”
- “Do you have anything fun planned this weekend?”
- “I need a lunch break away from my desk. Want to come?”
- “What’s the best thing you’ve watched or read lately?”
- “How did you end up in this field?”
- “I’m going to try that coffee place nearby. Do you have a favorite order?”
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How to know if a work friend could be a real friend
Before you invest, Dr. Kirmayer suggests asking yourself a few questions.
- Is this somebody I can trust? Trust to have my best interest in mind, to support me in the ways colleagues should, and to keep certain information confidential?
- If I share a little bit, or invite them to share, how do they respond? Are they starting to open up too?
- Is this person open to being friends with me? If not, please don’t take it personally. Some people don’t want to mix their work and personal lives.
You also want to make sure there’s no hierarchy and no sense of competition or scarcity around similar goals, adds Dr. Kirmayer. It gets tricky when one friend is promoted and is suddenly supervising, mentoring or giving feedback to the other. We’ve got tips for balancing the personal and the professional as a boss.
How to make friends at work when you’re remote or hybrid
Less time in the same room means you have to be a little more deliberate. Introverts and homebodies often find this easier than expected, as long as they’re consistent.
- Turn on your camera sometimes. It’s easier to build rapport when people can see you.
- Use the chat for more than tasks. A quick “how was your weekend?” or a funny photo of your desk plant creates the casual contact that office hallways used to provide.
- Schedule a virtual coffee. Fifteen minutes with no agenda, once every couple of weeks, with one person at a time.
- Plan around your in-office days. If your team is hybrid, find out who’s in on the same days and make lunch plans in advance.
- Take it offline when it feels right. A walk, a call, a coworking afternoon at a library or café.
If you’re working out how your schedule fits your life, our explainer on what hybrid work really is can help. And before you send a follow request, read our take on adding coworkers on social media.
How to set boundaries with a friend who’s also a colleague
It starts with your own limits, says Dr. Kirmayer. What are you willing (and not willing) to talk about at work? Can you trust that if you tell someone something, they won’t repeat it around the office?
It also helps to talk about the rules together: “How are we going to exchange feedback?” and “Are we going to talk about work outside of work? What if I want to talk to you about work-related stress?” One person might want that space to vent, while the other would rather keep things separate.
You can say something like: “I really need a weekend where we don't talk about work-related stress, but I know this was a hard week for you. Please know that it's not that I don't want to support you. I'm thinking of you. I want to spend time with you. Just for myself, I really need a moment to disconnect,” says Dr. Kirmayer. The more transparent you are, the more your friendship will benefit.
Staying friends when one of you leaves the job
It’s normal to feel a bit of grief when a work friend leaves. The person you spent eight hours a day with is suddenly gone, and you’re having lunch alone again. “It’s important that you honor those feelings without judging them or trying to qualify how valid they are,” says Dr. Kirmayer.
Then talk about how the friendship will change. You’ll both need to put in more effort now that you won’t see each other every day, but different communication doesn’t mean the friendship is fizzling out. Maybe it’s a Thursday night phone call, regular coworking dates, or virtual lunches if you’re in different cities. Say out loud that the friendship means something beyond where you both work.
And find new common ground. “It’s tempting to hold on to the thing that initially brought you together,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “You might be really wanting to update this friend on the latest office scandal. But friendships that are the most likely to survive these types of changes are the ones where you then bring new things into the equation.” If the distance does start to creep in, read how to deal with drifting apart from friends.
What if someone doesn’t want to be friends outside of work?
Sometimes a work friend just needs more time to build a connection that extends beyond the office. Be respectful of that and try not to force anything, suggests Dr. Kirmayer. “Forced vulnerability does not feel good for anyone.”
Pay attention to how you feel around them, too. Do you feel safe and like you can be your true self? Or do you have to pretend to be someone else? Are parts of you not celebrated? Do you feel left out? Or do you not have the capacity to take on a new friend right now? “Those can be clues that there's something going on that might not lend itself to a friendship, at least in that moment,” adds Dr. Kirmayer.
Not every connection at work has to turn into a full-blown friendship. A friendly colleague can offer unbiased feedback, advice and guidance that a close friend at work couldn’t.
What if a work friendship goes sour?
This is a very real fear, and the reason some people hesitate to turn a work friend into a real friend. Friendship breakups hurt on their own. One that might affect your career too can feel too risky to try.
“There's a level of risk inherent in any type of new relationship that we're building,” says Dr. Kirmayer. “We never know how things will go. What if this person rejects me? What if we become friends but things turn sour and it's really awkward at work? A helpful reframe is to start questioning: What if things work out? What if I make a great friend? How much more enjoyable would my work days be?”
The risk of losing a friend doesn’t outweigh all of the positives you could gain, personally and professionally, with your new bestie. If you’re also building friendships outside the office, read what I wish I knew about making friends in my 20s.
When you’re ready for a workplace that feels like a good fit, find your next role on the Girlboss job board.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is it a good idea to be friends with coworkers?
Usually, yes, as long as you set sensible boundaries. Work friends can make the day better, and they understand your industry in a way outside friends often can’t. Be thoughtful about confidentiality and avoid friendships where one of you reports to the other.
How long does it take to make a friend at work?
There’s no fixed timeline. For most people it happens over weeks or months of regular, casual contact. Go slow, watch how they respond when you share something small, and let the relationship deepen at its own pace.
How do I make friends at work if I’m shy?
Start with one person and one low-pressure habit, like a short chat while the kettle boils or a weekly lunch. Smaller interactions repeated often beat big social events, and a thoughtful message after a meeting counts too.
What should I do if my work friend gets promoted over me?
Have an honest conversation about how your dynamic might change, and agree on how you’ll handle feedback and confidential information. Give it time, and be willing to celebrate them while also taking care of your own goals.
Can I be friends with my boss?
You can be warm and friendly with a manager, but a close friendship carries more risk because of the power gap and the fairness questions it can raise with the rest of the team. If it grows naturally, keep work decisions and personal conversations clearly separate.
How do I invite a coworker to hang out outside of work?
Keep it casual, specific and easy to decline: “I’m getting dinner near the office on Thursday, want to join?” If they say no or are busy, don’t push, and try again later with another low-key invitation.
