I often think back to a specific day in my early 20s. I was on the train home during my first internship in the city, bawling my eyes out. The force of my tears must have had other passengers thinking I'd just been fired, or dumped, or given terrible news about someone I loved.
It was none of those things. I was crying because of Taylor Swift.
You see, around this time stories about Taylor and her "girl squad" of actresses and models were everywhere. I'd open my feed and there she was at a red carpet event amid a fresh breakup, with a group of famous friends as her dates. I'd see another story about a girls' sleepover with other pop stars.
On that tear-filled train ride, I was scrolling through an article about her latest Fourth of July bash, full of photos of her and her girlfriends posing in matching Americana bikinis, and it hit me like a truck: I didn't have any girlfriends.
Cue the waterworks. I felt sad, envious, and a little ashamed. And it wasn't for lack of trying. For weeks I had tried to form friendships with the other women I was interning with, but nothing clicked. I started asking myself what was wrong with me. Why couldn't I connect with other women? Why did no one want me in their squad?
Remembering my 23-year-old self still sends a pang through my heart. I wish I could go back to that train, give her a big hug, and tell her it gets better. At 31, many of the best and closest relationships in my life are with other women.
Today, my girlfriends are some of my biggest cheerleaders and most faithful confidantes. They were there for me through a terrible breakup in my late 20s. They cheered me on every time I moved up in my career. They've given me a safe space to cry, rant, and laugh about things that, really and truly, only other women would understand.
So if I could go back and give 23-year-old me advice on how to make friends in your 20s as a woman, it would be this.
Embrace vulnerability and let people in
I'm an open book. My willingness to tell coworkers when I'm having a bad bout of anxiety, or share a breakthrough from a session with my therapist, might be called oversharing by some. But it has helped me turn some wonderful workplace friendships into friendships outside of work, too. I also tend to gravitate toward women who do the same.
There's pressure on us to show up only as our most perfect, most acceptable selves, and social media makes it worse by encouraging a curated, filtered peek into our lives.
But what bonded me with my girlfriends was never the perfect photo of us clinking glasses on a beautiful rooftop. It was the times we cried together about feeling like we weren't doing enough in life, or empathized about comparing our bodies to the ones we saw online.
Opening up like this isn't easy, I know. It's scary to let people into the real and sometimes messy parts of you. But all it takes is one person brave enough to put themselves out there, and others will quickly follow, allowing the richest and most meaningful connections to form.
Celebrate and uplift other women, loudly and proudly
I think a lot of younger women struggle with this, and I don't blame them. We've been conditioned to compare ourselves to one another as if there isn't enough of what we want to go around.
If we see another woman who's really pretty, we feel jealous, as if her beauty takes away from our own. If we see another woman killing it in her career, we start to think of her as standing in the way of our own success.
Early in my career, I asked an acquaintance about a job opening at her workplace. She talked me out of applying, and I later found out she'd gone after the role herself.
Not gonna lie, my first reaction was something like, "Okay, bring it on, bitch." But I quickly decided I didn't want to move through life that way.
Instead, I made it a priority to help other women shine, whenever and wherever I could. I'd bring up the names of women who'd be perfect for opportunities I heard about. I'd use whatever platform I had to shout out the hard work and wins of the people around me.
Soon enough, I found myself surrounded by women who would happily do the same for me.
Work on your own self-love, self-compassion, and self-understanding
This ties into my last tip, because it's hard to truly celebrate others when you're at war with yourself.
One of the hardest realizations to come out of years of therapy and healing work was that most of the jealousy and insecurity I felt toward other women was fueled by the fact that I didn't love myself.
It wasn't until I started speaking more kindly to myself that my thoughts about others became kind, too. It wasn't until I stopped feeling unworthy that I stopped seeing other women as competition and started seeing them as friends, sisters, and allies.
Go where friendships can actually grow
Being open is half of it. The other half is being in places where you see the same faces more than once. Friendships rarely form from a single great conversation. They form from repetition, and most of us had that built in at school without noticing. As an adult, you have to build it yourself. A few places to start:
- A weekly class or club. Fitness classes, a pottery studio, a run club, a book club, a language class, a writing group. Choose something that meets on the same day each week, so the same people keep showing up.
- Volunteering. Working side by side toward a shared goal gives you something to talk about and shows you who people are when they're being helpful.
- Your workplace. Coworkers are some of the easiest friends to make because you're already in the same room. Our guide to making friends at work has ideas that work in an office or remotely.
- Women's professional groups and meetups. Industry events and local meetups put you with people who already share your interests.
- Friends of friends. Ask someone you like to bring a friend along to your next plans. It's an easy way to widen your circle.
Turn an acquaintance into a friend
This is the step most people skip, and it's the one that matters most. You met someone you liked. Now what? Make the next step small, specific, and easy to say yes to.
- Follow up within a day or two. A short message works: "I really enjoyed talking after class. Want to grab a coffee this week?"
- Suggest something simple. Coffee, a walk, or a quick lunch. Skip the big dinner plan.
- Be the one to invite again. Plenty of people are shy, busy, or worried about bothering you. Inviting twice is normal, not needy.
- Remember the details. Ask about the thing they mentioned last time, like the trip, the interview, or the sick pet.
- Share something real. After a couple of meetups, offer a slightly more personal story. That's what invites them to do the same.
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What to do when it still feels hard
You might do everything right and still feel lonely for a while. That's common, and it isn't a verdict on you. A few things help.
- Lower the bar for what counts as a good hangout. A forty-minute coffee counts. So does a walk.
- Expect some people not to click. It's about fit, not worth. Keep going.
- Don't ghost the friends you already have. If you've drifted from old friends, a message can bring them back. Our piece on drifting apart from old friends can help.
- Look for people on your wavelength. Read how to find new friends who are truly on your level.
- Be patient with yourself. If it feels hopeless, you're not alone. This guide on making and keeping new friends when you feel hopeless at it speaks to exactly that feeling.
If loneliness is making it hard to function, or you've been feeling low for a long time, consider talking with a doctor or a mental health professional. This is general information, not medical advice.
It does get better
If I could tell my 23-year-old self one thing, it would be that the women who matter are out there, and you meet them by being honest, being generous, and showing up again and again. You don't need a squad in matching outfits. You need a few people who know you well and want good things for you.
Looking for your next career move while you build your circle? Browse the Girlboss job board and find your next role.
Frequently Asked Questions
Why is it so hard to make friends in your 20s?
Many people leave school, move to new cities, and start jobs all at once, and the built-in routines that made friendships easy disappear. Work schedules and money also limit how much free time you have. It's a common phase, not a personal failing.
Where can I meet women my age?
Look for recurring activities with the same group each time: fitness classes, clubs, volunteer shifts, classes, and local meetups. Repeated contact matters more than the activity itself, so pick something you'd enjoy even if you made no friends.
How do I move from acquaintance to friend?
Follow up quickly with a low-pressure invitation, like a coffee or a walk. Then keep inviting and remembering the details of what they tell you. Friendships usually deepen after a handful of small, easy hangouts.
Is it normal to have only a few close friends?
Yes. There's no right number. A small circle of people you trust and can be honest with is worth more than a large group you never talk to.
What if I'm shy or anxious about meeting people?
Start with settings that give you something to do, like a class or volunteering, so you aren't relying on small talk alone. Set one small goal each time, such as talking to one new person. If anxiety is getting in the way of daily life, a mental health professional can help.
