The funniest things a person will ever do, are done when they are on surgery grade painkillers. Or, if they are experiencing PMS.
PMS is an unwelcome monthly strain on my life. And maybe yours too. But premenstrual syndrome has also helped me collect stories to tell. PMS is #shareablecontent. If PMS were digital it would be profitable clickbait, because it’s relatable and funny.
The biological validity of PMS has long been ruminated. Often, by men. Isn’t that hysterical? In 1987, a man named Thomas Johnson published a piece in the journal Culture, Medicine, and Psychiatryin which he asserted PMS was a “cultural syndrome” rather than a biological phenomenon.
“Even though there are those who strive to find congruence between bizarre symptom complexes in other cultures and Western biomedical disease entities, there has been an implication that such syndromes are ‘not real.’ Yet we unquestioningly treat our own problematic syndromes, such as PMS, as ‘real,’ striving constantly to find physiological correlates of symptoms,” Thomas, using the plural “we,” argued.
But forget Thomas of 1987. I feelPMS. And (retrospectively, of course) my PMS is hilarious. In the spirit of making PMS funny again, here are five of the coolest things I have cried over in 2017 because of it. Who can relate?
YouTube videos of singing children
This beautifully teary meta experience involves a 9-year-old America’s Got Talentcontestant named Celine, who sings Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.” Her voice is huge. She is a marvel. Her proud mum watches from backstage, along with me at home in bed. She is crying and I cry with her. You will cry too.
Applying winged eyeliner
“Make up makes me feel more confident!” say women, rightfully empowered, from all corners of the internet. “Winged eyeliner is easy!” say others. I’m not so sure.
Recently I set off to do some winged eyeliner, in an attempt to acquire said confidence. Cranky, and about to enter a social situation, I felt my friends deserved better than this curt and unembellished version of me. I sought to uplift myself via a sassy cat eye. Quite quickly, I messed it up. “Keep calm and carry on,” I whispered into the mirror, locking stern eyes with myself.
I messed up a second time. And I wept. Thirty minutes later, and with undecorated eyelids, I’m laughing with friends. The expulsion of emotion was very therapeutic.
Phone calls with your mom
The below phone dialogue was between me and my mother. For context: I was born in Australia. My mother is Thai. She exhibits many expected qualities of migrant mothers such as ceaseless, needless worry and precisely zero tact. We have had conversations practically identical to the one that follows hundreds of times.
Mom: You can’t live in a share house anymore. You are too old.
Me: [not wanting to continue on this trajectory]. Mum. It’s fine. What are you doing today?
Mom: If you had a good job and a good man you would have your own house.
Me: I have to go.
Mom: You don’t have any money and you drink too much. You should get married.
Me. Bye mum.
Also me: Hangs up. Cries.
One exciting, effervescent evening, I was transferring leftover stir fry into a plastic container to eat for lunch the following day. Very responsible, and healthy of me.
However, there was too much food for the container to contain, and the failed spectacle before me was a tragedy. To express myself, I cried about it.
Food delivery services
Convenience is the trade-off for money-sucking services like Uber Eats. And I’m so fine with that. Yet there’s a recipe (yes, a recipe) for failure that I feel so much more acutely during cool PMS times.
It involves an eagerly anticipated meal, a geographically-challenged driver and a hyped restaurant that mixes up the order.
Two hours later, your sheet mask has crusted over and you’re still very hungry. So you cry, while mashing a scathing one-star review into the app.
I would like to close this article by saying masturbating and exercise are the only reliable alleviators of PMS for me. What works for you? What PMS stuff have you cried over lately? Make us cry in the comments.