I saw a tweet once that described going back to dating apps as the equivalent of opening your fridge every two hours only to realize you’re not hungry for anything contained within.
But hating on dating apps in the summer of 2024 feels a little easy. There’s so much fodder—the ghosting, catfishing and dead-end dates with mustached firefighters who tell you their favorite film director is Vincent Gallo. It’s all such low-hanging fruit that it may as well be touching the earth.
The apps seem to be paying attention to their users’ frustrations and trying to address the major concerns with various feature releases like Tinder’s “Your Move” prompt to try and revive fizzled-out conversations, as well as a host of safety features.
A less successful example is the now infamous #BumbleFumble—billboards heavily insisting that the (perfectly valid) choice to be celibate “isn’t the answer.”
Tinder, to their credit, took a slightly different approach by actually asking their user base about their dating preferences and expectations, and released a Green Flags Study back in May of this year. The study, which polled 8,000 heterosexual men and women across the US, the UK, Australia and Canada, revealed that 91 percent of men and 94 percent of women agree that dating is more difficult today. Sixty-five percent of women believe that men only want situationships, while only 29 percent of men actually report that they do.
I could keep spitting out more percentages and stats (here’s a fun one: 59 percent of women found, “Let me know you got home safe” to be chivalrous, while only 38 percent of men agreed), but I wanted to get an expert’s insight into the data, and where single people—in all our imperfect, flaky, confused and romantic glory—go from here. Can we use the apps without losing our sense of self-worth, our standards and our minds? Are the apps really to blame for the sad state of dating in 2024? Or are humans partially responsible?
Enter Dr. Jess O’Reilly, a sexologist and Tinder Canada’s spokesperson. Dr. Jess works with couples who want to put the same amount of effort, intention and investment into their relationship as every other aspect of their lives.
We talked about scarcity mindsets, being honest on the apps and how to de-center men while still wanting to date them.
First of all, were there any aspects of the Green Flags Study that jumped out at you?
“We talk about things like chivalry, right? Is chivalry dead? People have been asking me that question for 17 years. And it's not dead. It's just changed. So, one thing that stood out for me is that women don't care about men paying the bill. I think 45 percent of women said that they don't care as much about that. But they care about receiving compliments. And it's interesting because I see so much online from women saying, ‘No, absolutely men have to pay the bill.’ But the data is actually saying something different. So, I don't know if it's generational or if it's performative.
There’s a concept called pluralistic ignorance. This idea that when we think everybody else is doing it, publicly, we accept an idea, but privately, we actually reject it.
So, we see this, for example, in hookup culture. This pressure to hook up while young people actually aren't hooking up. They're looking for real relationships, and the data has reflected that both empirically and through survey data like this.”
There’s now an entire movement built around the idea of “de-centering men.” How do you reconcile that, as a woman, while still wanting to be in a heterosexual relationship?
“When we talk about de-centering men, it's not really about men. It is about toxic masculinity and patriarchy, so it's not about the individuals, it's about frameworks that hold us back. We do de-centralize the narratives and the needs of our matches because if you're on a dating app like Tinder, you're actually focusing on your own needs and your own experience. You're focusing on what it is you're looking for as opposed to just trying to please a man or get a man.
De-centering isn’t about tossing them to the side, it’s about saying, ‘How do we collaborate? How do we make this about your needs and my needs, so that we can have meaningful connections as opposed to, ‘How do I serve you? How do I get your attention? How do I keep your attention?’”
Absolutely. The conversations I've been having with women I know who are single and in their thirties are very much, “I'm wonderful. I have this amazing life that I've built independently. I'm the sundae. If a man wants to come along and be the cherry on top, that's great.”
“I think the scarcity mindset in dating can really hold us back. When in fact there's seven billion people in the world. We've got people on one side, like especially in hetero dating, saying there's no good men or there's no good women. But I know a lot of good men and I know a lot of good women. The challenges and the negative attitudes toward dating come not from dating, but from the realities of our lives. We're living in a culture that feels high-pressure, that tells us we're not good enough. We don't have enough money. We don't have enough resources. There's not enough good jobs.
And so, we're frustrated with our relationships. Our energy is really depleted. And then we're bringing that to the dating world and we're blaming the dating world. When in fact, I think that the challenges in dating right now are symptoms of a greater socio-cultural reality, not necessarily rooted in dating itself.”
Late-stage capitalism is ruining love.
“And I think we need to be using relationships and community as the basis of what we do, the basis of our lives. And then everything else—earning money, being fit, self development—are the extras. I think that we've gotten lost in this kind of linear idea that you have to be whole before you can date.”
Which can also ladder up to capitalism, telling you to spend money to develop in all these ways to be worthy of connection.
“First of all, nobody's whole. It's not an end game. It's not the finish line. We’re all works in progress. And that's another piece that's related to Western ideals of perfectionism. Like, we don't have to be perfect to live life. We don't have to be perfect to be worthy of love. We don't have to be perfect to be worthy of attention.”
To shift gears a little bit, it’s summer, it’s patio season. Let’s say you do want that summer fling. How do you go into that in a healthy way?
“I think all types of connection are healthy. So, it doesn't matter if it's a fling or if it's sometimes something long term. Don’t be fixated on the outcome. Focus on the journey of getting to know somebody.
I think you can compare it to food. We used to just go out to eat and it would be delicious, or not delicious, and we'd be enjoying it. And now we're like, ‘Is it on a list? Can I take a photo of it? Does it meet this mark? Is it innovative?’ I'm like, ‘Does it matter if it's innovative, if it feels good?’
So, we need that in dating too. Just to be in the moment. And I always tell people, rather than worrying about whether you can see yourself with this person, think about how you're feeling in the moment. What do you feel in your body? Because you can trust your gut. You can trust your body's reactions.”
And where do dating apps come in? It’s so tempting to blame the apps.
“I like to be really mindful of any blaming of technology, because it's human design. It's human use and technology reflects our world. And technology brings people together more than it separates us. We wouldn’t be having this conversation if it weren’t for technology. I don't like seeing it scapegoated.
Obviously, we have to be mindful. If my phone isn't the problem, then my picking up the phone in the middle of a conversation with a friend is the problem.”
As users of these apps, how do we make them a better place?
“I'd love for people to be open to possibilities, but also just to be honest about what they want. We'd all be in a better position. And I think we all have to take responsibility for the fact that sometimes we're not honest, not because we intend to lie or intend to deceive, but because maybe we don't even feel safe being honest with ourselves.”
