Maybe it was Miranda Hobbs, the successful lawyer from Sex and the City, who was a pop-culture emblem of navigating a relationship with someone who made less money than her. A more recent example is Fair Play, where characters Emily and Luke, two coworkers at a cutthroat investment firm who are secretly dating, find their relationship dynamics shaken after Emily's big promotion. And there’s Sabrina Carpenter's latest song, "Please Please Please," where, despite her partner being equally successful, she still fears that he could publicly embarrass her.
No matter where you’ve first witnessed this power struggle, there’s always been an underlying implication that the higher a woman ranks in her career, the more likely a relationship can drag her down. And, of course, these aren’t just hypotheticals—there are real-world examples too.
Beth,* who assumed her senior-level music executive position when it was still considered novel for women to be at the top, didn’t want to add to the stereotype that women were too “emotional” to lead.
“I was already walking into rooms where there weren't people that looked like me. So, it felt like it was my duty as a professional to not ever showcase my personal life,” says Beth, explaining that she made a conscious effort to refrain from dating while working this role. “[If] someone I'm trying to do business with sees me on [a dating app], they're gonna perceive it as a weakness, because they know that I'm vulnerable and wanting love, and they could use that to throw in my face.”
Despite her initial intent to keep her work and personal lives separate, she fell in love with a coworker who worked in a different department, only to find the relationship rocked by infidelity. Her partner would even sneakily flirt with other women at work.
And then, when called out for the behavior, he would attempt to gaslight her and make her second-guess what she was observing. “I [think I] felt threatening to him because I wasn't easy to manipulate. I also was more present and aware of what he was doing because we were in the office together…I had people who had eyes around.”
The inevitable breakup was equally tumultuous. Two weeks after the split, Beth’s ex started flaunting a new partner at a company event, which further complicated her professional life. "There was once an incident at a show where he shoved me. He kind of thrust his shoulder towards me,” she shares.
The public nature of their falling out resulted in an additional post-break up hurdle. “Here was my biggest fear coming true: my vulnerability started to overshadow my power as an executive.”
“Here was my biggest fear coming true: my vulnerability started to overshadow my power as an executive.”
Beth knew that the only thing left was to prioritize her well-being. “I ended up leaving that job and traveling for a year and a half, taking that time to rebuild myself and regain my balance, my equilibrium."
These underlying hurdles aren’t exclusive to long-term relationships—it can happen in the early stages of dating too.
Sarah, the director at a global beauty brand and a crypto entrepreneur, encountered setbacks even before a full relationship developed. Her fling felt the pressure of having to be the breadwinner—simply because he was a man.
"There are probably a lot of men who see women with nice jobs, who can take themselves out to nice dinners, who can buy themselves nice clothes, etc. And they're in this mindset: ‘[If] I can't give her the things that she's already given herself, what value do I have? I'm not adding value to her life.’ It isn’t all about money. It’s about what we can provide each other emotionally, spiritually, mentally and physically. None of those things require money."
At first, she thought she found someone who valued her and had a similar lifestyle, treating her to lavish dates that reflected her status. “He dropped $1,000 on dinner, and then we did a spa date, and he continued to take me on really expensive dates,” she recalls. But shortly after, his facade started to crack, and he revealed that his financial situation was not reflective of what he perceived she deserved, admitting that he couldn’t keep up.
But Sarah never asked him for this treatment. She would have been happy with low-key dates. Yet, the damage was done—his dishonesty about his financial situation ultimately turned her off.
I’ve even been a victim of this dynamic! From casual dates where guys assumed I was "bougie" just for wearing a sundress, to long-term relationships where my success was undermined, I’ve often questioned if I was asking too much of my partner.
Lily Womble, a feminist dating coach and the author of Thank You, More Please, assures that the right person for you will be comfortable with your success, and if they aren’t, that’s not your person.
"Stop fearing that you're too intimidating. That's their sh*t. That's their problem."
"Stop fearing that you're too intimidating,” says Womble. “High-achieving women fear that their success turns people off, especially if they date men. It's important to de-center the men who were wrong for you—the men who judged you for having a gorgeous home or being a VP, and said things like, 'Oh, I could never do that' or, 'Oh, that's fancy' in a judgmental tone. That's their sh*t. That's their problem. And they were wrong for you.”
So what’s a powerful woman to do? Dating coach Amy Chan suggests making a list of values you’d like in a partner, scoring them, and differentiating what’s a must and what’s nice-to-have.
She also encourages powerful women to reevaluate gender norms so that they won’t get burned by them. "We have this message of what it means to be a man and what it means to be a woman, and these ideas of masculine and feminine, are really rooted in misogyny and patriarchy," she says, launching into an anecdote of a couple who made it work by making their own rules.
“They decided to have a baby, and she said, ‘I love working. I'm great at making money. I do not want to be staying at home. Why don't you quit your job?’ So he did, and is at home with the baby. They have a great relationship.”
Chan reassures that this isn’t a mere gender swap of archetypal roles. “They have different roles in the relationship. It's not like suddenly he's taken on all of the roles that a woman used to take. Instead, they found a balance that works for them, and it requires a level of being open-minded.”
Her last piece of advice to cut through the noise of dating horror stories? “Find someone who takes care of your heart.” Chan says. Focusing on someone who will tend to your emotional needs over anything is the simple way to stray from this toxic trap.
As someone who's more liberated in both my career and personal life, I know better now and what to look out for. But despite knowing better, I wonder if what I’m searching for can coexist with gender norms that have long outlived me. I wonder if I’ll ever find someone who fully welcomes my power, or if there will always be an underlying form of resistance to it, simply because I’m a woman. In the meantime, I’ll heed Amy Chan’s advice, in search of someone to take care of my heart. Because I already know I can take care of everything else.
*Name has been changed
