Our favorite romantic comedies lied to us. They convinced us that meeting the love of your life would happen in the most swoon-worthy, serendipitous way possible. In Before Sunrise, Celine (Julie Delpy) meets Jesse (Ethan Hawke) on a train to Vienna. That never happened when I was on the Eurail. In You've Got Mail, Kathleen Kelly (Meg Ryan) and Joe Fox (Tom Hanks) are anonymous pen pals who meet in an AOL chat room and they turn out to be bookstore rivals who fall madly in love. Ugh, I wish I had a hot rival. And more recently, in Anyone but You, Beatrice (Sydney Sweeney) and Ben (Glen Powell) meet in a busy café when Ben pretends to be Beatrice’s husband so she can skip the line and use the bathroom. Of course, he also happens to be built like a Ken doll!
With a plethora of dating apps at our fingertips, and for every possible niche (like for Star Trek stans, for cat owners, and for clowns—yes really), swiping has become the modern meet-cute.
But as our disillusionment with online dating and our craving for IRL connection continue to grow, single people are asking themselves if there’s more to dating than doom-swiping and “DTF?” messages.
“Dating apps are not the only answer,” says Lily Womble, a feminist dating coach and the author of Thank You, More Please. “That's just what their multi-million-dollar marketing budgets want you to think.”
According to 2023 Pew Research, 20 percent of adults aged 18 to 29 who are in romantic relationships met their current partner through a dating site or app. Which, as Womble points out, means that there’s a “lion’s share” of people who met IRL.
But meeting someone in the wild isn’t as effortless as it seems in the movies. In-person dating is a skill that you need to build, learn and practice, says Womble. Here’s how.
Step #1: Joy Building
First, make a list of 10 things you want to do this summer, outside of your house, that would bring you joy. It could be a run club, a knitting class, a food festival—you name it.
“It doesn't matter if people that you're necessarily attracted to are there. It matters that you are making new connections and new friendships,” says Womble. “Because when a dating app is doing its job, it's really just expanding your social circle.”
Step #2: Recruit Your “Wing Person”
This is a very important job, so choose wisely. It could either be your best friend who knows you inside out, or a new friend you made in your joy-building activity. Either way, in-person dating is that much more fun when you have a co-conspirator to do it with. Womble suggests planning a date every other week to go out to a restaurant or a bar together. Encourage each other to make eye contact with cuties and go up to them, introduce yourself and start a conversation.
And even when you’re not together, ask your friend to keep an eye out for people who align with your dating preferences at their next work conference or cousin’s wedding. “You deserve to have a friend who is intentionally looking out for you and supporting you in your dating life,” she says.
Step #3: Take Messy Action
Approaching someone you think is cute, with the possibility of getting rejected, is scary. It can be messy. It can be awkward. It can feel embarrassing. But making the first move is like a muscle you have to train—the more you do it, the easier it gets.
“If you're willing to feel awkward, then you become unstoppable in your dating life, especially in person,” says Womble. “This is about centering yourself and your desire as opposed to centering other people's thoughts about you.”
Because you deserve to be the main character of your own dating life.
Read all about how to confidently shoot your shot here.
Why are meet-cutes making a comeback?
“Online dating is exhausting,” says Womble. “Dating apps are built like slot machines designed to addict you. Their primary objective is to make more money for their shareholders, so they put basic preferences like location or age behind a paywall. That’s why dating-app users feel so taken advantage of.”
Then, there’s the people behind the profiles. According to a 2020 study from Pew Research Center, 57 percent of women online daters aged 18 to 34 said they’d received sexually explicit messages or images they hadn’t asked for.
“Dating apps have become a place where a lot of toxic people reside,” says Chantal Heide, a life coach and relationship expert. “And so, it has become a frustrating place for women because they find it difficult to be treated respectfully.”
Apps like Tinder, Hinge and Bumble also sell the illusion that it makes dating easier, says Womble. But having more options at your fingertips actually makes dating even more difficult due to content overload.
“Dating apps are actually incredibly emotionally and mentally exhausting,” says Womble, “especially considering the cultural pressure for people, specifically women, to find love because our society treats coupled women ahead of single women. The way we were taught to date is still in the patriarchal Dark Ages. And after the last four years, people are itching for that in-person connection.”
If you are going to continue to use the apps, Womble recommends setting clear boundaries: 20 minutes per day for swiping. And to “become the CEO of your dating app” by knowing exactly what you’re looking for and communicating that effectively through your profile. And not wavering from your non-negotiables when you’re swiping. Heide also advises women to make your initial profile picture a photo of you doing something you love and are hoping to do with your future partner—and only respond to those who’ve made it obvious they read your profile.
“Dating apps can be a tool that are useful if you use it with a strategy and boundaries, and if you have an in-person plan that is supplementing your dating life,” says Womble.
What are the best places to meet someone IRL?
Unfortunately, there is no secret meetup where all of the hot, single people in your city happen to congregate every Saturday night, says Womble. Love isn’t location-based. But these are good places to start (and they don’t involve going to a bar):
Run clubs + coed sports teams: Everyone from Vogue to The Cut and The New York Times have called it—sporty activities are the new dating apps (thanks to an influx of thirsty videos on TikTok and Instagram showing hot, sweaty men running and playing pickleball). Forget about Bumble, Strava is where the single people are.
Matchmaking: If you’re looking to be more intentional about making connections and finding a potential match, why not go straight to the professionals? According to PS (previously known as POPSUGAR), Gen Z is leading the matchmaking resurgence. And it seems to be working: Matchmaking company Three Day Rule said they had nearly five times the number of clients who are 27 or younger in the past year.
Speed-dating events + singles meet-ups: Another thing that young singles have made cool again! According to Eventbrite, there’s been a 30 percent increase in singles and dating events in the United States from 2022 to 2023, and a 43 percent increase in attendance at these events over the same period, USA TODAY reports. Things like singles happy hours, mix and mingle events, board-game speed dating and singles karaoke are all fun and refreshing ways to meet new people, without as much pressure as a traditional sit-down speed-dating event.
Live dating shows: If you’ve thought about applying for dating reality shows like Love Is Blind, Love Island or The Bachelor, might we suggest a live dating show instead? Some of our favorites include:
UpDating: It’s by-far the most popular—their TikTok account alone has 1.2 million followers. The premise is simple: Two singles are casted to go on a blindfolded first date, but people from the audience can also shoot their shot with one of the singles on stage. UpDating is currently on an international tour!
Love Is Not Blind (US): A dating show where men aren’t allowed to speak, hosted by comedian Allison Goldberg. Four contestants vie for a date with a special woman, and to help choose the right match, Goldberg goes through their phones, calls their moms, asks them to draw and dance—the men are allowed to do anything but open their mouths.
Why Are You Single? (New York City): Created and hosted by Marie Faustin and Dave Mizzoni, this dating show subjects single contestants to ruthless questions and challenges in an effort to uncover their red flags and why they’re single.
Love is Live! (New York City): This dating show has elements from reality dating shows like Love Is Blind and The Dating Game. Through three rounds of questions and activities, two lucky contestants will hopefully find a match, with help from the audience and comedians Olivia Benedict, Erin Gonyeau and Mackenzie Jaquish.
And sometimes, a potential match could be in the most unexpected place. Heide met her husband at a strip club while she was working as a stripper. “Who would have thought? The least likely place you can imagine finding a fantastic human being. And I'm telling you, to this day, this man is the best human being I've ever known in my entire life.”
