Listen, friends, let me be very clear when I say that getting turnt on a school night is not something to be actively encouraged. It's a practice unlikely to lead to your career dreams coming to fruition, or an effervescent complexion. You'll be left trying to figure out how to survive a hangover at work.
But be that as it may, we are human, are we not? And to get utterly banjaxed on a weeknight from time to time is merely the behavior of a human. So let's get down to the important business of how to survive a hangover at work when punishment rears its throw-up-inducing head.
Firstly: Don't get utterly banjaxed on a weeknight. It's the smart-ass solution, isn't it? Like that passive-aggressive boss who fake smiles and pointedly says "good afternoon" when you're five minutes late because some asshole side-swiped your Hyundai this morning.
The deed is done. Nothing will reverse it (the is very firm that the only actual cure for a hangover is time). So let's shuffle on to the tips that will actually help you survive a hangover at work until time does its thing.
Before Work
Sit in the Shower
You just woke up, and the struggle could not feel more real right now, but if you ignore every other step in your pre-work routine, you at least need to sluice the tang of alcohol off your flesh before leaving the house. A shower won't cure anything, but it will make you smell like a functioning adult. And you know what makes EVERY situation easier? Sitting the fuck down. Whether you plonk your butt straight onto the shower floor or upgrade with a water-resistant piece of patio furniture, harness those few precious minutes of rest and store energy reserves for when you really need them.
Beauty Flash Balm
Look, I'm sure there's some kind of placebo effect associated with the aesthetic claims of beauty products, but I swear a generous slathering of can take you from Mayor of Hagsville to Renaissance oil painting in 30 seconds. It keeps your moisture-starved skin looking dewy and radiant, and it's basically the holy grail skincare for when you're desperate for how to survive a hangover at work.
Wear Soft Clothes
If what you're wearing feels like pajamas, it's almost as though you're still in bed. According to some faux-sperts, your environment is critical to success, so if you can recreate the comfort levels of your couch at home, hopefully you'll manifest a happy place too.
Even better: if your job is and today was meant to be an office day, ask yourself whether it could quietly become a home day instead. Your actual couch beats a recreation of it every time.
Try Honey, Honey
There are various food-based formulas for hangover recovery. Some swear by the greasy bacon-sandwich-with-extra-bacon route. Some are all about that hair of the dog, which the NIH says can prolong the malaise. You're delaying the inevitable.
My pick is honey on toast, honey. Nobody has proven it cures anything, so don't believe any wellness account that tells you otherwise. But plain toast is about as gentle as breakfast gets on an angry stomach, and a drizzle of honey makes it feel like self-care instead of punishment. Bees rule!
One more thing for the pre-work checklist: if you reach for a painkiller, skip the Tylenol. The NIH warns that combining alcohol and acetaminophen , and aspirin and ibuprofen can irritate your stomach, so go easy and eat something first.
At Work
Drink Every Liquid Imaginable, Then, When You Feel You've Maxed Your Quota of Liquids, Drink at Least Three More
Unquenchable thirst is the cornerstone of hangover byproducts, mostly because alcohol makes your kidneys send water out . You're going to need a combination of legitimate hydration (still or sparkling water by the gallon) and suspiciously high-flavored drinkable stimulants: Gatorade, coffee, Coca-Cola, liquids drunk from cans on which words like "BOOST" or "SURGE" or "TURBO" are loudly emblazoned. (For the record, coffee won't cure you either. It just makes you a more alert version of hungover.)
Still thirsty? Get an overpriced organic pressed juice in an attempt to find some kind of health equilibrium. Still thirsty? A carton of watermelon water. Still thirsty? A young coconut. Still thirsty? I know. It's hopeless.
Sub-tip: Spirit your delicious drinkable stimulant of choice into the workplace undetected, then pour it into a nondescript ceramic mug. Necking a can of Coke before 10 a.m. is an unequivocal giveaway that you got cabbaged last night. But a mug? Why, you're simply enjoying a civilized warm drink while perusing emails, definitely not losing the battle of surviving a hangover at work.
Switch Your Inbox to Dark Mode
Speaking of emails: that endless stream of correspondence causes a headache at the best of times, let alone when you got hella-fied not 12 hours earlier. Light sensitivity is a classic hangover symptom, and your suffering will reduce considerably if your emails appear against a tranquil dark background instead of a skull-piercing white hellscape. Gmail, Outlook, Slack and basically every app on your phone now have a dark mode tucked into their settings. Today is the day you find it. Turn your screen brightness down while you're there.
Have an Anti-Spiralling Mantra
Work invites stress, and crippling anxiety and guilt are particularly debilitating hangover side effects (which, in my experience, only get louder with age). There's even a name for it now: hangxiety. In a , nearly 100 social drinkers reported significantly higher anxiety the morning after drinking, and very shy people got hit hardest. So getting into a tidy mental zone can be the most demanding challenge of the day. A meaningless side-eye from a colleague can throw you into a paranoid spiral. "Why did I have a third vodka martini?! I should have gotten a ride home with Georgina. I'm failing as an adult…"
Even though you might feel like a terrible person, you most certainly are not one. You are a real and wonderful person who just happened to get supremely turnt last night. Have a list of ready to pull yourself back from the brink. This is a technique worth using any time you feel stressed or pressured at work, and there are more for the days that have nothing to do with vodka. It's about finding perspective and calm, and being good to yourself.
After Work
Reward Yourself
Sure, today was a torturous episode of Survivor which you brought on yourself, but you made it, and that is no mean feat. Luxe face mask? Delicious takeout? An uninterrupted hour of scrolling dating apps? Whatever makes you happy, go ahead and do it. Then go to bed embarrassingly early.
And if "till next time" is starting to feel like every week, no judgment, but it might be worth a look at how much you're drinking. The NIH's site has quick, private tools to check in with yourself.
Otherwise? Till next time!
For more advice that gets you through the workday on your terms, hangover or not, .
